The Difference Between You and I

The difference between you and I
is I am capable of getting by
with not one watching with their eyes,
but the only one who could decide
whether I will live or die.

The difference between you and I
is I am bound by no routine.
Restriction in my numbers seem
bordering on just obscene,
...yet, I always seem to come out clean.

The difference between you and I
is I can see without my eyes.
I have a different kind of guide,
one to whom I've never lied,
one to whom I will divide.

The difference between you and I,
is I am capable of getting by.
With not one watching with their eyes,
but an outside factor who does decide
how I can fit in my own life.

Something really funny just happened to me. I'm relaxing and beautify-ing tonight, so I was relaxing with a meditation exercise from the book I'm reading, Effortless Mastery by Kenny Werner. The whole idea of this exercise was that my heart was an ocean of infinite, brilliant ideas. When I was done with this, I listened to DCFC on shuffle and this song came on..

"your heart is a river that flows from your chest
through every organ
your brain is the dam, and i am the fish who can't reach the core"

Haha...I get that a lot more now.

I am an artist in a world of scientists,

and I pray to God that I will find someone in this world that can respect my passion, my drive, and my confidence that I will succeed...

i have a foot in two worlds,
i am the biggest and the smallest.
looked up to and looked down on,
admired and defiled,
recalled and forgotten.
i am not enough for the air-bound leviathans
clogging my skyline,
and i am far too good
for the insects in my path.
my disposition is my downfall,
and i tend to relapse
into the same frame of mind,
every single time...
a word brings back a sensory memory,
and a name strikes panic through my limbs.
because i was hoping that i could freeze time,
until maybe i am flawless again,
until maybe i grow a few hundred miles...
so that i will be taller than you...
and you'll forget everyone below.

The Mold

It's strange because I know
Exactly how it feels
To get down so low,
that you may never heal.

and it's strange because I feel
exactly what I know,
because in my eyes it's real,
and your lips are moving slow...

and it's strange because I feel,
like everything has fallen
even though I'm sure
everything is standing up.

and it's strange because I feel,
as though the world around me
has given up the fight,
because I was not enough.

and it's strange because I feel,
exactly how I used to
No matter what you say,
you're very much the same.

and it's strange, because I know
Exactly how it feels
to fall into the mold
where so many were before.

this is the mood.

Kat says:
the whole thing is just amazing. cuz he's saying, "i never thought it possible, i think i fell in love with someone worse than me, and i love you to death, but i don't think i like you anymore"
and that's like the message of the song, cuz she's basically drowning her issues in alcohol because of some problem that happened "two years ago tonight"
oh yeah, direct quoting
haha
speaking of unhealthy coping mechanisms, good god i want some haagan daaz

Freewrite 1

Lips peel away revealing condescending smiles,
Flashing back every inch of all these traveled miles.
I remember how it feels to be where I belong,
and then a smile begins to curve because I couldn't be more wrong.

Belonging is a word you whisper when you deceive;
When nails are slowly tearing the exposed heart on your sleeve.
And no amount of rhyming stanzas could ever come close,
To how it feels when you swallow that final fatal dose;

because it never really happened because you're made of lies,
because that's the way they made you, because you closed your eyes,
because it was too much for you to ever get inside,
because you weren't strong enough, because all you know are lies.

And on the tongue of this liar, it's laced with irony,
but on the tongue of your liar, it's just a melody.
and you try to make it work, so desperately
it's just too bad that you can't harmonize like me

Lips peel away revealing a skeleton of truth,
Giving you the memories that you lost in your youth.
and I still remember how it feels where I belong,
and I hold back my tears, because I am still dead wrong.
(fortunately, I won't have to deal with this for long)

I wish life was like writing a song.

I hate sometimes how you confront an issue, and you have that time that is like the breath of relief...it's done...it's over.......and then you figure out the next problem you need to conquer. I have found myself asking the past couple of days, "Why? Please, let's just let this relief go on a LIIIIITTLE bit longer..." but I realize that in order to become a good, functional, healthy person I need to embrace the change and constantly try to better myself...
but sometimes it's just so damn hard...

So in the meantime, I'll busy myself with creative projects...creativity is how I get to know myself, because for me, creativity is not a science. It's just there. I concentrate, and I create. When I sit down to write a song, I don't think of what chords would go where they go, I just instinctively put them there, because I hear them in my head. When I put words to music, I don't think about it, I just sing them, because they're from my heart, and my heart doesn't rationalize it's feelings, they're just there.

Creating is so simple...I wish life was like writing a song.

Quote of the day.

My mom: "...and the sound it makes was like nyuck nyuck."
Me(not really listening): "Who's there?"

hahaha...knock knock..who's there...teehee

A funny story & other coolness

I just had to blog about this while I was thinking about it. I've had an semi-eventful day.

I had a guitar lesson which wasn't that eventful, it was good, just normal, but I wanted to get out and do some stuff. So I called my best friend so we could just go places. We went to the library cuz I have never read Perks of Being a Wallflower and was interested in some really easy reading. Anyways, she's searching on the computer for the author of the book, and it's one of those computers that is on a raised table so you have to stand up to use it. On the wall it's against, there are all of these papers taped to the wall that people have filled out about South Carolina. It says, Great person in SC:, Great places to go in SC:, Great places to eat in SC:, Bad things about SC:.

I was just kinda skimming over them when, being the grammar nazi I am, notice this.

"Great people in SC:
(insert ungodly long list here- it says PERSON. not PEOPLE, I might point out...)
Great places to go in SC:
The beach!!!!!!
Great places to eat in SC:
Pizza Hut (oh wow, I'm sure NO PLACE else has that...come on now)
(but this takes the cake...)
Bad things about SC:
PEOPLE IS BAD."

I read that and I was like WTF?!!!! If I had a pen with me, I would have scratched out "people" and put "GRAMMAR"
really? It made me laugh though.

Then, we went to Wal-Mart because I wanted to get some construction paper for a creative project for my room that I'm doing(I'll put up pics soon), and the sky was lookin' pretty nasty. We were just gonna go back to my house after that, I didn't realize how fast the storm was approaching. Yeah. Well. It approached pretty fast. When we were checking out, I looked out the doors, and it's about I guess 5:30 at this point, but I look outside and it is TOTALLY dark. It looks like it's 10pm. We go around the way we came in because we could hear the rain at this point. It is POURING.
We take off our flip flops and RUN as fast as we can across the parking lot to her car, which isn't really that far, but by the time we get into the car we are literally SOAKED. I have long, thick hair and it was pulled back and it was literally dripping wet. I wasn't even out there for a minute. So we just sat in the car until the storm passed, listening to the radio.
So that was kind of a different adventure. I felt the need to blog about it :D

I read The Burn Journals, btw. It was interesting, really captured the mindframe of Brent Runyon at the time. I didn't like the ending though. It seemed lazy...Seems there should have been a prologue or something...well, maybe the author IS the prologue...still.

Fake it til ya make it

I found out something about me tonight- not exactly discovered something, more like made a coherent, sensible statement out of the knowledge that was never really worked out or verbalized.

I HATE, HATE, HATE feeling like I'm not good enough-
like I'm not important enough.

I know, I know- everybody hates that...another thing I hate hate hate:
when people say EVERYBODY feels a certain way.

If I'm spilling my guts about my feelings, don't tell me everyone feels that way. I want to be UNIQUE, important, distinctive in your mind. If you tell me or imply that I'm not important to you, or good enough, or smart enough, or my feelings and thoughts are unoriginal, not only does that seriously hurt me but that pisses me off so bad.
I like to be important to people, because other people are important to me. As a matter of fact, there is someone in my life that I'm just so used to talking to everyday that I actually start getting anxious if I don't talk to them. I'm so paranoid about the relationship falling apart I don't even give it a day unless they don't wanna talk. I value people, friends, relationships so highly and I want to be regarded with the same respect.

This is the truth, I am not replaceable.
Though I am an awful, horrible, hypocritical little lying piece of crap, I am a brilliant, beautiful, intelligent artist who has an outlook so unique...if you just take the time to get to know me, you'll never forget me. And you can't just pick a random female guitarist off the street and she's gonna be like me, oh no freaking way. You can't just take a random musician. There will be similarities, I'm sure...
but my passion for music, passion for beauty, the written word, the spoken word...my movie taste, my music taste, the way I see things and deliver them...the way I'm so full of passionate feelings but can rarely articulate them, until I get moments of breathtaking depth and clarity...the way I never need advice, I just like to talk about my problems occasionally so I can figure it myself...and I always do...
that's just me.
and that's not replaceable,
and circumstances, where I live, what I'm doing, this will change as I age. My circumstances will, but I will still be me. My taste my change to an extent, my abilities will no doubt grow, and I'll add new things to my repertoire...but I will always be me. and I am NOT replaceable.

Anyone who thinks they can successfully replace me underestimates me.
Anyone who thinks they have replaced me never knew me at all...
and anyone who will try to will deeply regret it.

I don't mean to sound like an arrogant person here, I said earlier I am an awful horrible hypocritical lying POS but...I'm pretty freaking awesome too.
and I am good enough,
and I am not replaceable.

Irreplaceable, I can believe.
Good enough? I keep saying it hopes I'll believe it one day. Fake it til ya make it, baby...

Becoming Closer To Closure - Of Machines

Drawn to lines which fill the emptiness
Searching for a place to heal the wounds...
(The conversations...well...they start to turn)

Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep,
we can't afford you to be alone!
Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep...

These dreams and the reality
Never seemed so defined.
Until I awoke to find...
that this house is not a home,
but something I cannot define.

Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep
We can't afford you to be alone!
Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep...

How long will it be
Until I turn this key
and just walk away,
just walk away...
(and I find this so unlike me)
Seeking the parts that are lost,
Never have I felt so deceived...

Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep,
We can't afford you to be alone!
Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep.

Game playing

Is it strange that I get a strange kick out of seeing who, out of my friends, are the most perceptive? The quickest, the most intelligent? The ones who know me best? Planting little insignificant, strange, almost unnoticeable words into my sentences...seeing if they catch what I mean.
Of course, I'd never do that with something serious. That kind of game playing pisses me off...but it's interesting...

I would like to be the kind of friend that I wish my friends were to me. I want to be everybody's best friend. I want to be the person who would bend over backwards for a person, undoubtedly. I want to be someone that's honest, trusted.
I think I am better to everyone else than I am to myself.
I have been doing exceptionally well in my life lately and I am still beating myself up over it. I even realize what I'm doing, and I realize it's absurd! and yet I can't deny that little voice in my head that says "Not good enough, work harder!"....
maybe I'm scared of satisfaction? What are the consequences of satisfaction...?
There must be some...

and I'm drawing closer to God, undoubtedly, because I am so alone, especially at night. I mean I call a close friend every night but...it's missing something. I think I am just terrified of being alone with myself. I feel horrible about myself right now...None of that physical image BS most teenage girls whine about, but inside...I know I have my good qualities, yeah. but I can't help but just be so pissed off with myself. I do try to be a good person but I just...
People forgive me when I do them wrong, most importantly God forgives me, but I am having a really, really hard time forgiving myself for all the crap I've done.

How do I even go about doing that?!

Too much right now...I'm having trouble breathing again, screw my anxiety...I'll be fine, I feel better now that that's off my chest.

A MAC look!

(All MAC products unless otherwise noted)

Eyes
"Rubenesque" paint pot
Mineralize trio in "inter-view"
Urban Decay 24/7 eyeliner in "Zero"
Generic black liquid liner
Coastal Scents 88 Palette, a light tan for a highlight
Plushlash in Plush Black

Lips
Lipstick in "Myth"(my new obsession)
A dab of Urban Decay XXX shine gloss in "Carney"

MichellePhan inspired leopard print look.

(I look like such a doof in that picture hahaha)
I saw this MichellePhan video yesterday and I just kept thinking about it...it was this really unique, pretty subtle leopard print look. Soooo...I did it, with my own additions to make it more of my own :)

Eyes
Urban Decay Primer Potion
Urban Decay eyeshadow in "Sin"
Urban Decay 24/7 eyeliner in "Yeyo" and "Stash"(a later addition)
Black liquid liner(I can't remember the brand)
MAC paint pot in "Rubenesque"
The gold color from MAC's mineralize trio in "Inter-view"(discontinued)

Lips
Urban Decay XXX Shine gloss in "Carney"

then my normal face products.
hoorah.

lol...

So that FOTD thing isn't really gonna work out, I don't think. I don't blog consistently enough...

Just another life blog.

I said I was gonna push myself, last entry I made. I really am. I am shocked by the apathy I feel. I thought I might feel some social anxiety...and I did, at first, upon contemplation, but once I made up my mind...I feel nothing. Right now, I feel nothing. I almost feel...tired...it's very strange. Not to say that my passion has leaked away, it hasn't, but it's that dull feeling of acceptance when you realize something unpleasant is gonna happen, or you have to do something you don't want. Not fighting. Just surrendering.
A tender surrender.
I think that's a Steve Vai song...Actually, I'm pretty positive that's a Steve Vai song.

I think I might start doing a FOTD(face of the day) and guitar updates every day...Actually, I think that's a great idea. I'm gonna try to start doing that.
I'm not really concerned about subscribers on here. I know I get some reads when I link to here for product lists on makeup looks and stuff...but yeah, this is kinda for my benefit rather than anybody elses. It inspires me :)

Today, I played around with double drop D tuning. That was fun. I learned "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, and then worked on "Yesterday's Feelings" by The Used in the double drop d. I think I like it better in just Drop D though.

FOTD:
I couldn't really get a good pic today, but I'll do the product list anyway, lol.
This has become my new go-to look, I've worn it every day this week...it's fast, easy, natural looking, and super-pretty.
Face:
Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer(Just got it yesterday. I love this stuff!)
A green corrector & flesh tone concealer
Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse
MAC Mineralize Skinfinish Natural(which I need more of desperately, I'm almost out)
A Covergirl bronzer I happened to pick up, it makes my face look warmer
Maybelline Dream Mousse blush in Peach Satin
then a shimmery white eyeshadow for a highlight on my cheekbones.
(I know that seems like a lot but it takes under 5 minutes, lol)

Lips:
Cherry Carmex...keeping it simple :)

Eyes:
MAC Paint Pot in "Rubenesque"
Urban Decay 24/7 Eyeliner in "Bourbon"
L'oreal Voluminous mascara
A highlight color from my CS 88 Palette.

boom, that's it. Especially with the paint pot now, that takes up MUCH less time but still looks good. Yesterday I added "Smog" by Urban Decay in the outer corner and crease fora little more depth, but I was in a rush today.

I've got stuff to do...and I feel so tired, I feel like I'm gonna drop...I do wanna post some lyrics though.

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
i see my vision burn, i feel my memories fade with time
but i'm too young to worry.
the streets we traveled on will undergo our same lost past

i found you here, now please just stay for awhile
i can move on with you around
i hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
i'd do anything for a smile,
holding you til our time is done
we both know the day will come
but i don't wanna leave you

i see my vision burn, i feel my memories fade with time
but i'm too young to worry.
a melody, a memory, or just one picture...

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here
too many people too ache over.

newborn life replacing all of us,
changing this fable we live in.
no longer needed here...
so where do we go?
will you take a journey tonight,
follow me past the walls of death
but girl..what if there is no eternal life?

i see my vision burn,
i feel my memories fade with time
but i'm too young to worry.
a melody, a memory, or just one picture...

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here
too many people to ache over.

trials in life, questions of us existing here
don't wanna die alone without you here
please tell me what we have is real...

so what if i never hold you,
or kiss your lips again!?
i never wanna leave you...
and the memories of us to see,
i beg...don't leave me...

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here.
too many people to ache over.
trials in life, questions of us existing here
don't wanna die alone without you here
please tell me what we have is real...

silence, you lost me, no chance for one more day
silence, you lost me, no chance for one more day
silence, you lost me, no chance for one more day
silence, you lost me....no chance to get back home....

I will now rise from the ashes, don't call me pretentious.

Have you ever hesitated washing the night out of your hair? Debated on sleeping in your clothes? Holding onto a memory, trying to relive it physically...trying to bring it closer?

Have you ever wished a concept was tangible? I have. I have so many times. I wish I could make my thoughts tangible. So that I could touch them...give them to other people. If I could morph my point of view, my feelings and my thoughts into a covering for the ears, eyes, nose, and mouth...this situation would be ok.
but I can't, and it's not.

I'll be honest...I haven't felt this bad in a long damn time. It's...it's everything. It's not just one thing, and I wish it was, because it would be so much easier to get over. I have had this problem for awhile...I can't cry. Yeah, I've teared up every now and then, it's not like my eyes have been deserts...but CRYING? No.
Until last night.
I was ok through the day, I was actually really good through the day. I was surprised at how well I was handling stuff. Holy crap, did I break last night...I went to bed...I was planning on listening to music until I fell asleep. I sat on the bed...and I felt like I got punched in the stomach.
It dawned on me. I couldn't breathe. and I started CRYING. At first it was just a few tears and I thought that I'd be done...then I was like 'well it makes sense this is happening now that I'm alone'
and I swear, there was the proverbial echo in my head...alone, alone, alone...and I lost it. I started sobbing. It wasn't one thing, it was a million things. It lasted for a good while...but something came out of it. I couldn't bear the loneliness, and I wasn't going to call the few people who would listen to me. Because either a) I've put it on them too much. b) They wouldn't really care, which just makes matters much worse if I'm faced with it. or c) It would be a bad idea, just a bad, bad, bad idea.
so what did I do? the only thing to do. I turned back to God. Duh. I mean it's not like I've been distancing myself from Him, per se, but...let's just say I haven't been following Him with my whole heart until I made that decision I made.
"turning back" sounds so...inaccurate. That's not what happened. I didn't nonchalantly turn myself around, take a step and "Oh, hello again God". Hah, in no way is that what happened. It happened much more emotionally- desperate, devastated, broken...but it seems that that's really the way it has to happen.
Tonight is gonna be hell. I know it is. The second night is always worse, but I rest securely in the fact that I'm not alone, I'll NEVER be alone...but...at the same time, I want more, and in time I will get more...In time. Time, time, time...

I hate time...

Transcend

nothing is a lie when you transcend time;
when you're floating without space, nothing can die...
(and when you fall asleep forever,
you don't have to close your eyes)
nothing is a lie if the tears don't dry on your face,
so this must be the truth since they've been sticking here all day
(once i let it go i found it very hard to stop,
i can't forget you. there is just no way.)
nothing is a lie when you transcend time;
when a person is a person and time is time
when true love can't see time and space, nothing can die.
(and when you fall asleep forever,
you never close your eyes)