I will now rise from the ashes, don't call me pretentious.

Have you ever hesitated washing the night out of your hair? Debated on sleeping in your clothes? Holding onto a memory, trying to relive it physically...trying to bring it closer?

Have you ever wished a concept was tangible? I have. I have so many times. I wish I could make my thoughts tangible. So that I could touch them...give them to other people. If I could morph my point of view, my feelings and my thoughts into a covering for the ears, eyes, nose, and mouth...this situation would be ok.
but I can't, and it's not.

I'll be honest...I haven't felt this bad in a long damn time. It's...it's everything. It's not just one thing, and I wish it was, because it would be so much easier to get over. I have had this problem for awhile...I can't cry. Yeah, I've teared up every now and then, it's not like my eyes have been deserts...but CRYING? No.
Until last night.
I was ok through the day, I was actually really good through the day. I was surprised at how well I was handling stuff. Holy crap, did I break last night...I went to bed...I was planning on listening to music until I fell asleep. I sat on the bed...and I felt like I got punched in the stomach.
It dawned on me. I couldn't breathe. and I started CRYING. At first it was just a few tears and I thought that I'd be done...then I was like 'well it makes sense this is happening now that I'm alone'
and I swear, there was the proverbial echo in my head...alone, alone, alone...and I lost it. I started sobbing. It wasn't one thing, it was a million things. It lasted for a good while...but something came out of it. I couldn't bear the loneliness, and I wasn't going to call the few people who would listen to me. Because either a) I've put it on them too much. b) They wouldn't really care, which just makes matters much worse if I'm faced with it. or c) It would be a bad idea, just a bad, bad, bad idea.
so what did I do? the only thing to do. I turned back to God. Duh. I mean it's not like I've been distancing myself from Him, per se, but...let's just say I haven't been following Him with my whole heart until I made that decision I made.
"turning back" sounds so...inaccurate. That's not what happened. I didn't nonchalantly turn myself around, take a step and "Oh, hello again God". Hah, in no way is that what happened. It happened much more emotionally- desperate, devastated, broken...but it seems that that's really the way it has to happen.
Tonight is gonna be hell. I know it is. The second night is always worse, but I rest securely in the fact that I'm not alone, I'll NEVER be alone...but...at the same time, I want more, and in time I will get more...In time. Time, time, time...

I hate time...