Game playing

Is it strange that I get a strange kick out of seeing who, out of my friends, are the most perceptive? The quickest, the most intelligent? The ones who know me best? Planting little insignificant, strange, almost unnoticeable words into my sentences...seeing if they catch what I mean.
Of course, I'd never do that with something serious. That kind of game playing pisses me off...but it's interesting...

I would like to be the kind of friend that I wish my friends were to me. I want to be everybody's best friend. I want to be the person who would bend over backwards for a person, undoubtedly. I want to be someone that's honest, trusted.
I think I am better to everyone else than I am to myself.
I have been doing exceptionally well in my life lately and I am still beating myself up over it. I even realize what I'm doing, and I realize it's absurd! and yet I can't deny that little voice in my head that says "Not good enough, work harder!"....
maybe I'm scared of satisfaction? What are the consequences of satisfaction...?
There must be some...

and I'm drawing closer to God, undoubtedly, because I am so alone, especially at night. I mean I call a close friend every night but...it's missing something. I think I am just terrified of being alone with myself. I feel horrible about myself right now...None of that physical image BS most teenage girls whine about, but inside...I know I have my good qualities, yeah. but I can't help but just be so pissed off with myself. I do try to be a good person but I just...
People forgive me when I do them wrong, most importantly God forgives me, but I am having a really, really hard time forgiving myself for all the crap I've done.

How do I even go about doing that?!

Too much right now...I'm having trouble breathing again, screw my anxiety...I'll be fine, I feel better now that that's off my chest.