Just another life blog.

I said I was gonna push myself, last entry I made. I really am. I am shocked by the apathy I feel. I thought I might feel some social anxiety...and I did, at first, upon contemplation, but once I made up my mind...I feel nothing. Right now, I feel nothing. I almost feel...tired...it's very strange. Not to say that my passion has leaked away, it hasn't, but it's that dull feeling of acceptance when you realize something unpleasant is gonna happen, or you have to do something you don't want. Not fighting. Just surrendering.
A tender surrender.
I think that's a Steve Vai song...Actually, I'm pretty positive that's a Steve Vai song.

I think I might start doing a FOTD(face of the day) and guitar updates every day...Actually, I think that's a great idea. I'm gonna try to start doing that.
I'm not really concerned about subscribers on here. I know I get some reads when I link to here for product lists on makeup looks and stuff...but yeah, this is kinda for my benefit rather than anybody elses. It inspires me :)

Today, I played around with double drop D tuning. That was fun. I learned "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, and then worked on "Yesterday's Feelings" by The Used in the double drop d. I think I like it better in just Drop D though.

FOTD:
I couldn't really get a good pic today, but I'll do the product list anyway, lol.
This has become my new go-to look, I've worn it every day this week...it's fast, easy, natural looking, and super-pretty.
Face:
Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer(Just got it yesterday. I love this stuff!)
A green corrector & flesh tone concealer
Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse
MAC Mineralize Skinfinish Natural(which I need more of desperately, I'm almost out)
A Covergirl bronzer I happened to pick up, it makes my face look warmer
Maybelline Dream Mousse blush in Peach Satin
then a shimmery white eyeshadow for a highlight on my cheekbones.
(I know that seems like a lot but it takes under 5 minutes, lol)

Lips:
Cherry Carmex...keeping it simple :)

Eyes:
MAC Paint Pot in "Rubenesque"
Urban Decay 24/7 Eyeliner in "Bourbon"
L'oreal Voluminous mascara
A highlight color from my CS 88 Palette.

boom, that's it. Especially with the paint pot now, that takes up MUCH less time but still looks good. Yesterday I added "Smog" by Urban Decay in the outer corner and crease fora little more depth, but I was in a rush today.

I've got stuff to do...and I feel so tired, I feel like I'm gonna drop...I do wanna post some lyrics though.

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
i see my vision burn, i feel my memories fade with time
but i'm too young to worry.
the streets we traveled on will undergo our same lost past

i found you here, now please just stay for awhile
i can move on with you around
i hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
i'd do anything for a smile,
holding you til our time is done
we both know the day will come
but i don't wanna leave you

i see my vision burn, i feel my memories fade with time
but i'm too young to worry.
a melody, a memory, or just one picture...

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here
too many people too ache over.

newborn life replacing all of us,
changing this fable we live in.
no longer needed here...
so where do we go?
will you take a journey tonight,
follow me past the walls of death
but girl..what if there is no eternal life?

i see my vision burn,
i feel my memories fade with time
but i'm too young to worry.
a melody, a memory, or just one picture...

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here
too many people to ache over.

trials in life, questions of us existing here
don't wanna die alone without you here
please tell me what we have is real...

so what if i never hold you,
or kiss your lips again!?
i never wanna leave you...
and the memories of us to see,
i beg...don't leave me...

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here.
too many people to ache over.
trials in life, questions of us existing here
don't wanna die alone without you here
please tell me what we have is real...

silence, you lost me, no chance for one more day
silence, you lost me, no chance for one more day
silence, you lost me, no chance for one more day
silence, you lost me....no chance to get back home....

I will now rise from the ashes, don't call me pretentious.

Have you ever hesitated washing the night out of your hair? Debated on sleeping in your clothes? Holding onto a memory, trying to relive it physically...trying to bring it closer?

Have you ever wished a concept was tangible? I have. I have so many times. I wish I could make my thoughts tangible. So that I could touch them...give them to other people. If I could morph my point of view, my feelings and my thoughts into a covering for the ears, eyes, nose, and mouth...this situation would be ok.
but I can't, and it's not.

I'll be honest...I haven't felt this bad in a long damn time. It's...it's everything. It's not just one thing, and I wish it was, because it would be so much easier to get over. I have had this problem for awhile...I can't cry. Yeah, I've teared up every now and then, it's not like my eyes have been deserts...but CRYING? No.
Until last night.
I was ok through the day, I was actually really good through the day. I was surprised at how well I was handling stuff. Holy crap, did I break last night...I went to bed...I was planning on listening to music until I fell asleep. I sat on the bed...and I felt like I got punched in the stomach.
It dawned on me. I couldn't breathe. and I started CRYING. At first it was just a few tears and I thought that I'd be done...then I was like 'well it makes sense this is happening now that I'm alone'
and I swear, there was the proverbial echo in my head...alone, alone, alone...and I lost it. I started sobbing. It wasn't one thing, it was a million things. It lasted for a good while...but something came out of it. I couldn't bear the loneliness, and I wasn't going to call the few people who would listen to me. Because either a) I've put it on them too much. b) They wouldn't really care, which just makes matters much worse if I'm faced with it. or c) It would be a bad idea, just a bad, bad, bad idea.
so what did I do? the only thing to do. I turned back to God. Duh. I mean it's not like I've been distancing myself from Him, per se, but...let's just say I haven't been following Him with my whole heart until I made that decision I made.
"turning back" sounds so...inaccurate. That's not what happened. I didn't nonchalantly turn myself around, take a step and "Oh, hello again God". Hah, in no way is that what happened. It happened much more emotionally- desperate, devastated, broken...but it seems that that's really the way it has to happen.
Tonight is gonna be hell. I know it is. The second night is always worse, but I rest securely in the fact that I'm not alone, I'll NEVER be alone...but...at the same time, I want more, and in time I will get more...In time. Time, time, time...

I hate time...

Transcend

nothing is a lie when you transcend time;
when you're floating without space, nothing can die...
(and when you fall asleep forever,
you don't have to close your eyes)
nothing is a lie if the tears don't dry on your face,
so this must be the truth since they've been sticking here all day
(once i let it go i found it very hard to stop,
i can't forget you. there is just no way.)
nothing is a lie when you transcend time;
when a person is a person and time is time
when true love can't see time and space, nothing can die.
(and when you fall asleep forever,
you never close your eyes)

For once...sensical?

I have made significant progress in my life today. I'm proud of myself...and yet am kind of irritated with myself at the same time. I find it a little easier to meet my eyes in the mirror...but find it much harder to move through my day to day tasks. I guess that makes sense.
Remedy? Steady diet of music. Lots of it. That's all that seems to get to me anymore...I guess that makes sense.
Annoyance? Liars...that's ironic, but I guess that makes sense, too.

Why does my blogging experience always end up incredibly depressing? Haha.

Anyways. It's funny, I thought that after today I would be interested in being more social. Quite the opposite, actually. Which isn't healthy...not even remotely. It's strange, I'm so much more lonely but...I dunno. I'm probably gonna push myself...I really should meet new people, it'd be good for me...

but what I wouldn't give for some awesome people just to walk right into my life saying "hi, hello you're cool I'm cool let's do stuff occasionally I'm always here for you"...
What I wouldn't give for some realistic desires...haha...

and when i see you, i really see you upside down/but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around/turns you around, turns you around/if you feel discouraged that there's a lack of color here/please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams/absorbing everything, the spectrum's a to z/this is fact not fiction for the first time in years/and all the girls in every girly magazine can't make me feel/any less alone, i'm reaching for the phone/to call at 7:03/on your machine i slur a plea for you to come home/but i know it's too late/i should have given you a reason to stay/given you a reason to stay/given you a reason to stay/given you a reason to stay/this is fact not fiction for the first time in years

Appreciative.

On a consistent basis, I am shocked and awed by the amount of things that I have under my circumstances. In no way am I, or any of my close family members, rich. I'm not saying we're dirt poor, but we sure aren't made of money...and yet...not only do we survive, we actually have many luxuries that we probably shouldn't be able to afford...and I am incredibly thankful.
I manage to afford high end cosmetic brands, and while I may not have as much as many makeup gurus or long time makeup addicts...we gotta take into account...do I really NEED it? Nah. so it's ok, and believe me I have more than I need. haha.
I had lunch with some family friends today, I was showing my 'uncle'(not by blood but he's family anyways :D) my new Takamine. We got on the subject of classical guitar, I was talking about how I really wanted to get into it because I really admired the style. lol, turns out he actually took lessons quite awhile ago and had 2 really nice classical guitars, one of which he let me borrow(I'm having a blast, I'll have to take pictures of it and post them up here, it's a freaking gorgeous guitar).
Anyways, upon arriving home he calls me and says that when I left he found an old classical guitar, kinda beat up and run down but it sounds good, and would be good for me to start out on and he said I could have it. Holy crap. I was sincerely touched by that, it means so much to me. :D

I am really appreciative of all the luxuries I have in my life. I can't stress that enough...

Classical guitar is proving fun thus far. I say this now, now that I haven't had a lesson and I'm fumbling blindly through Beethoven's 5th Symphony only from what I've read...hahaha. but really though, I'm excited to start playing it...I bet it'll enhance all my other writing and stuff.. I was writing some on the acoustic last night and came up with these cool diminished sounding arpeggios, fingerpicked. Sounds even better on a classical guitar. maybe I can learn to write some bass-y stuff for it, that'd sound great for an intro, outro or pre-solo.

anyways. off to do stuff. books to read, movies to watch, music to write, more productive stuff to do. :)

I'll be back with Silverstein lyrics, I bet.

welcome to the planet. welcome to existence. everyone's here, everyone's here. everybody's watching you, now. everybody waits for you, now...what happens next, what happens next...? I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO LIFT YOURSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE LIKE TODAY NEVER HAPPENED, TODAY NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE...welcome to the fallout. welcome to resistance...the tension is here, the tension is here. between where you are and where you could be, between how it is and how it should be... I DARE YOU TO MOVE. I DARE YOU TO MOVE. I DARE YOU TO LIFT YOURSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE LIKE TODAY NEVER HAPPENED, TODAY NEVER HAPPENED...maybe redemption has stories to tell, maybe forgiveness is right where you fell. where can you run to escape from yourself? where you gonna go? where you gonna go...? salvation is here! I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO LIFT YOURSELF, TO LIFT YOURSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE LIKE TODAY NEVER HAPPENED, TODAY NEVER HAPPENED...TODAY NEVER HAPPENED, TODAY NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

My computer is unbroken now ...& Silverstein :D

I have a new computer, which is excellent, but I gotta say I kind of liked the break.

I'm not coming home tonight! I'd rather sleep on the street!
I'm not coming home to you! I won't sleep with the devil!
ON THIS CITY STREET I'LL REST MY HEAD TONIGHT.

Iris

and i'd give up forever to touch you,
because i know that you'd feel me somehow.
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be,
and i don't wanna go home right now...
and all i can taste is this moment,
and all i can breathe is your life.
and sooner or later it's over
i just don't wanna miss you tonight...

and i don't want the world to see me,
because i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am.

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you'll bleed just to know you're alive

and i don't want the world to see me,
because i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am...


That song, for the first time since it came out...actually makes total sense to me. 100%. wow.
computer is broken, i'm on my brother's laptop. I'll be back soon :)