Quote of the day.

My mom: "...and the sound it makes was like nyuck nyuck."
Me(not really listening): "Who's there?"

hahaha...knock knock..who's there...teehee

A funny story & other coolness

I just had to blog about this while I was thinking about it. I've had an semi-eventful day.

I had a guitar lesson which wasn't that eventful, it was good, just normal, but I wanted to get out and do some stuff. So I called my best friend so we could just go places. We went to the library cuz I have never read Perks of Being a Wallflower and was interested in some really easy reading. Anyways, she's searching on the computer for the author of the book, and it's one of those computers that is on a raised table so you have to stand up to use it. On the wall it's against, there are all of these papers taped to the wall that people have filled out about South Carolina. It says, Great person in SC:, Great places to go in SC:, Great places to eat in SC:, Bad things about SC:.

I was just kinda skimming over them when, being the grammar nazi I am, notice this.

"Great people in SC:
(insert ungodly long list here- it says PERSON. not PEOPLE, I might point out...)
Great places to go in SC:
The beach!!!!!!
Great places to eat in SC:
Pizza Hut (oh wow, I'm sure NO PLACE else has that...come on now)
(but this takes the cake...)
Bad things about SC:
PEOPLE IS BAD."

I read that and I was like WTF?!!!! If I had a pen with me, I would have scratched out "people" and put "GRAMMAR"
really? It made me laugh though.

Then, we went to Wal-Mart because I wanted to get some construction paper for a creative project for my room that I'm doing(I'll put up pics soon), and the sky was lookin' pretty nasty. We were just gonna go back to my house after that, I didn't realize how fast the storm was approaching. Yeah. Well. It approached pretty fast. When we were checking out, I looked out the doors, and it's about I guess 5:30 at this point, but I look outside and it is TOTALLY dark. It looks like it's 10pm. We go around the way we came in because we could hear the rain at this point. It is POURING.
We take off our flip flops and RUN as fast as we can across the parking lot to her car, which isn't really that far, but by the time we get into the car we are literally SOAKED. I have long, thick hair and it was pulled back and it was literally dripping wet. I wasn't even out there for a minute. So we just sat in the car until the storm passed, listening to the radio.
So that was kind of a different adventure. I felt the need to blog about it :D

I read The Burn Journals, btw. It was interesting, really captured the mindframe of Brent Runyon at the time. I didn't like the ending though. It seemed lazy...Seems there should have been a prologue or something...well, maybe the author IS the prologue...still.

Fake it til ya make it

I found out something about me tonight- not exactly discovered something, more like made a coherent, sensible statement out of the knowledge that was never really worked out or verbalized.

I HATE, HATE, HATE feeling like I'm not good enough-
like I'm not important enough.

I know, I know- everybody hates that...another thing I hate hate hate:
when people say EVERYBODY feels a certain way.

If I'm spilling my guts about my feelings, don't tell me everyone feels that way. I want to be UNIQUE, important, distinctive in your mind. If you tell me or imply that I'm not important to you, or good enough, or smart enough, or my feelings and thoughts are unoriginal, not only does that seriously hurt me but that pisses me off so bad.
I like to be important to people, because other people are important to me. As a matter of fact, there is someone in my life that I'm just so used to talking to everyday that I actually start getting anxious if I don't talk to them. I'm so paranoid about the relationship falling apart I don't even give it a day unless they don't wanna talk. I value people, friends, relationships so highly and I want to be regarded with the same respect.

This is the truth, I am not replaceable.
Though I am an awful, horrible, hypocritical little lying piece of crap, I am a brilliant, beautiful, intelligent artist who has an outlook so unique...if you just take the time to get to know me, you'll never forget me. And you can't just pick a random female guitarist off the street and she's gonna be like me, oh no freaking way. You can't just take a random musician. There will be similarities, I'm sure...
but my passion for music, passion for beauty, the written word, the spoken word...my movie taste, my music taste, the way I see things and deliver them...the way I'm so full of passionate feelings but can rarely articulate them, until I get moments of breathtaking depth and clarity...the way I never need advice, I just like to talk about my problems occasionally so I can figure it myself...and I always do...
that's just me.
and that's not replaceable,
and circumstances, where I live, what I'm doing, this will change as I age. My circumstances will, but I will still be me. My taste my change to an extent, my abilities will no doubt grow, and I'll add new things to my repertoire...but I will always be me. and I am NOT replaceable.

Anyone who thinks they can successfully replace me underestimates me.
Anyone who thinks they have replaced me never knew me at all...
and anyone who will try to will deeply regret it.

I don't mean to sound like an arrogant person here, I said earlier I am an awful horrible hypocritical lying POS but...I'm pretty freaking awesome too.
and I am good enough,
and I am not replaceable.

Irreplaceable, I can believe.
Good enough? I keep saying it hopes I'll believe it one day. Fake it til ya make it, baby...

Becoming Closer To Closure - Of Machines

Drawn to lines which fill the emptiness
Searching for a place to heal the wounds...
(The conversations...well...they start to turn)

Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep,
we can't afford you to be alone!
Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep...

These dreams and the reality
Never seemed so defined.
Until I awoke to find...
that this house is not a home,
but something I cannot define.

Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep
We can't afford you to be alone!
Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep...

How long will it be
Until I turn this key
and just walk away,
just walk away...
(and I find this so unlike me)
Seeking the parts that are lost,
Never have I felt so deceived...

Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep,
We can't afford you to be alone!
Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep.

Game playing

Is it strange that I get a strange kick out of seeing who, out of my friends, are the most perceptive? The quickest, the most intelligent? The ones who know me best? Planting little insignificant, strange, almost unnoticeable words into my sentences...seeing if they catch what I mean.
Of course, I'd never do that with something serious. That kind of game playing pisses me off...but it's interesting...

I would like to be the kind of friend that I wish my friends were to me. I want to be everybody's best friend. I want to be the person who would bend over backwards for a person, undoubtedly. I want to be someone that's honest, trusted.
I think I am better to everyone else than I am to myself.
I have been doing exceptionally well in my life lately and I am still beating myself up over it. I even realize what I'm doing, and I realize it's absurd! and yet I can't deny that little voice in my head that says "Not good enough, work harder!"....
maybe I'm scared of satisfaction? What are the consequences of satisfaction...?
There must be some...

and I'm drawing closer to God, undoubtedly, because I am so alone, especially at night. I mean I call a close friend every night but...it's missing something. I think I am just terrified of being alone with myself. I feel horrible about myself right now...None of that physical image BS most teenage girls whine about, but inside...I know I have my good qualities, yeah. but I can't help but just be so pissed off with myself. I do try to be a good person but I just...
People forgive me when I do them wrong, most importantly God forgives me, but I am having a really, really hard time forgiving myself for all the crap I've done.

How do I even go about doing that?!

Too much right now...I'm having trouble breathing again, screw my anxiety...I'll be fine, I feel better now that that's off my chest.

A MAC look!

(All MAC products unless otherwise noted)

Eyes
"Rubenesque" paint pot
Mineralize trio in "inter-view"
Urban Decay 24/7 eyeliner in "Zero"
Generic black liquid liner
Coastal Scents 88 Palette, a light tan for a highlight
Plushlash in Plush Black

Lips
Lipstick in "Myth"(my new obsession)
A dab of Urban Decay XXX shine gloss in "Carney"

MichellePhan inspired leopard print look.

(I look like such a doof in that picture hahaha)
I saw this MichellePhan video yesterday and I just kept thinking about it...it was this really unique, pretty subtle leopard print look. Soooo...I did it, with my own additions to make it more of my own :)

Eyes
Urban Decay Primer Potion
Urban Decay eyeshadow in "Sin"
Urban Decay 24/7 eyeliner in "Yeyo" and "Stash"(a later addition)
Black liquid liner(I can't remember the brand)
MAC paint pot in "Rubenesque"
The gold color from MAC's mineralize trio in "Inter-view"(discontinued)

Lips
Urban Decay XXX Shine gloss in "Carney"

then my normal face products.
hoorah.

lol...

So that FOTD thing isn't really gonna work out, I don't think. I don't blog consistently enough...

Just another life blog.

I said I was gonna push myself, last entry I made. I really am. I am shocked by the apathy I feel. I thought I might feel some social anxiety...and I did, at first, upon contemplation, but once I made up my mind...I feel nothing. Right now, I feel nothing. I almost feel...tired...it's very strange. Not to say that my passion has leaked away, it hasn't, but it's that dull feeling of acceptance when you realize something unpleasant is gonna happen, or you have to do something you don't want. Not fighting. Just surrendering.
A tender surrender.
I think that's a Steve Vai song...Actually, I'm pretty positive that's a Steve Vai song.

I think I might start doing a FOTD(face of the day) and guitar updates every day...Actually, I think that's a great idea. I'm gonna try to start doing that.
I'm not really concerned about subscribers on here. I know I get some reads when I link to here for product lists on makeup looks and stuff...but yeah, this is kinda for my benefit rather than anybody elses. It inspires me :)

Today, I played around with double drop D tuning. That was fun. I learned "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, and then worked on "Yesterday's Feelings" by The Used in the double drop d. I think I like it better in just Drop D though.

FOTD:
I couldn't really get a good pic today, but I'll do the product list anyway, lol.
This has become my new go-to look, I've worn it every day this week...it's fast, easy, natural looking, and super-pretty.
Face:
Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer(Just got it yesterday. I love this stuff!)
A green corrector & flesh tone concealer
Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse
MAC Mineralize Skinfinish Natural(which I need more of desperately, I'm almost out)
A Covergirl bronzer I happened to pick up, it makes my face look warmer
Maybelline Dream Mousse blush in Peach Satin
then a shimmery white eyeshadow for a highlight on my cheekbones.
(I know that seems like a lot but it takes under 5 minutes, lol)

Lips:
Cherry Carmex...keeping it simple :)

Eyes:
MAC Paint Pot in "Rubenesque"
Urban Decay 24/7 Eyeliner in "Bourbon"
L'oreal Voluminous mascara
A highlight color from my CS 88 Palette.

boom, that's it. Especially with the paint pot now, that takes up MUCH less time but still looks good. Yesterday I added "Smog" by Urban Decay in the outer corner and crease fora little more depth, but I was in a rush today.

I've got stuff to do...and I feel so tired, I feel like I'm gonna drop...I do wanna post some lyrics though.

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
i see my vision burn, i feel my memories fade with time
but i'm too young to worry.
the streets we traveled on will undergo our same lost past

i found you here, now please just stay for awhile
i can move on with you around
i hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
i'd do anything for a smile,
holding you til our time is done
we both know the day will come
but i don't wanna leave you

i see my vision burn, i feel my memories fade with time
but i'm too young to worry.
a melody, a memory, or just one picture...

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here
too many people too ache over.

newborn life replacing all of us,
changing this fable we live in.
no longer needed here...
so where do we go?
will you take a journey tonight,
follow me past the walls of death
but girl..what if there is no eternal life?

i see my vision burn,
i feel my memories fade with time
but i'm too young to worry.
a melody, a memory, or just one picture...

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here
too many people to ache over.

trials in life, questions of us existing here
don't wanna die alone without you here
please tell me what we have is real...

so what if i never hold you,
or kiss your lips again!?
i never wanna leave you...
and the memories of us to see,
i beg...don't leave me...

seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
it's empty and cold without you here.
too many people to ache over.
trials in life, questions of us existing here
don't wanna die alone without you here
please tell me what we have is real...

silence, you lost me, no chance for one more day
silence, you lost me, no chance for one more day
silence, you lost me, no chance for one more day
silence, you lost me....no chance to get back home....

I will now rise from the ashes, don't call me pretentious.

Have you ever hesitated washing the night out of your hair? Debated on sleeping in your clothes? Holding onto a memory, trying to relive it physically...trying to bring it closer?

Have you ever wished a concept was tangible? I have. I have so many times. I wish I could make my thoughts tangible. So that I could touch them...give them to other people. If I could morph my point of view, my feelings and my thoughts into a covering for the ears, eyes, nose, and mouth...this situation would be ok.
but I can't, and it's not.

I'll be honest...I haven't felt this bad in a long damn time. It's...it's everything. It's not just one thing, and I wish it was, because it would be so much easier to get over. I have had this problem for awhile...I can't cry. Yeah, I've teared up every now and then, it's not like my eyes have been deserts...but CRYING? No.
Until last night.
I was ok through the day, I was actually really good through the day. I was surprised at how well I was handling stuff. Holy crap, did I break last night...I went to bed...I was planning on listening to music until I fell asleep. I sat on the bed...and I felt like I got punched in the stomach.
It dawned on me. I couldn't breathe. and I started CRYING. At first it was just a few tears and I thought that I'd be done...then I was like 'well it makes sense this is happening now that I'm alone'
and I swear, there was the proverbial echo in my head...alone, alone, alone...and I lost it. I started sobbing. It wasn't one thing, it was a million things. It lasted for a good while...but something came out of it. I couldn't bear the loneliness, and I wasn't going to call the few people who would listen to me. Because either a) I've put it on them too much. b) They wouldn't really care, which just makes matters much worse if I'm faced with it. or c) It would be a bad idea, just a bad, bad, bad idea.
so what did I do? the only thing to do. I turned back to God. Duh. I mean it's not like I've been distancing myself from Him, per se, but...let's just say I haven't been following Him with my whole heart until I made that decision I made.
"turning back" sounds so...inaccurate. That's not what happened. I didn't nonchalantly turn myself around, take a step and "Oh, hello again God". Hah, in no way is that what happened. It happened much more emotionally- desperate, devastated, broken...but it seems that that's really the way it has to happen.
Tonight is gonna be hell. I know it is. The second night is always worse, but I rest securely in the fact that I'm not alone, I'll NEVER be alone...but...at the same time, I want more, and in time I will get more...In time. Time, time, time...

I hate time...

Transcend

nothing is a lie when you transcend time;
when you're floating without space, nothing can die...
(and when you fall asleep forever,
you don't have to close your eyes)
nothing is a lie if the tears don't dry on your face,
so this must be the truth since they've been sticking here all day
(once i let it go i found it very hard to stop,
i can't forget you. there is just no way.)
nothing is a lie when you transcend time;
when a person is a person and time is time
when true love can't see time and space, nothing can die.
(and when you fall asleep forever,
you never close your eyes)

For once...sensical?

I have made significant progress in my life today. I'm proud of myself...and yet am kind of irritated with myself at the same time. I find it a little easier to meet my eyes in the mirror...but find it much harder to move through my day to day tasks. I guess that makes sense.
Remedy? Steady diet of music. Lots of it. That's all that seems to get to me anymore...I guess that makes sense.
Annoyance? Liars...that's ironic, but I guess that makes sense, too.

Why does my blogging experience always end up incredibly depressing? Haha.

Anyways. It's funny, I thought that after today I would be interested in being more social. Quite the opposite, actually. Which isn't healthy...not even remotely. It's strange, I'm so much more lonely but...I dunno. I'm probably gonna push myself...I really should meet new people, it'd be good for me...

but what I wouldn't give for some awesome people just to walk right into my life saying "hi, hello you're cool I'm cool let's do stuff occasionally I'm always here for you"...
What I wouldn't give for some realistic desires...haha...

and when i see you, i really see you upside down/but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around/turns you around, turns you around/if you feel discouraged that there's a lack of color here/please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams/absorbing everything, the spectrum's a to z/this is fact not fiction for the first time in years/and all the girls in every girly magazine can't make me feel/any less alone, i'm reaching for the phone/to call at 7:03/on your machine i slur a plea for you to come home/but i know it's too late/i should have given you a reason to stay/given you a reason to stay/given you a reason to stay/given you a reason to stay/this is fact not fiction for the first time in years

Appreciative.

On a consistent basis, I am shocked and awed by the amount of things that I have under my circumstances. In no way am I, or any of my close family members, rich. I'm not saying we're dirt poor, but we sure aren't made of money...and yet...not only do we survive, we actually have many luxuries that we probably shouldn't be able to afford...and I am incredibly thankful.
I manage to afford high end cosmetic brands, and while I may not have as much as many makeup gurus or long time makeup addicts...we gotta take into account...do I really NEED it? Nah. so it's ok, and believe me I have more than I need. haha.
I had lunch with some family friends today, I was showing my 'uncle'(not by blood but he's family anyways :D) my new Takamine. We got on the subject of classical guitar, I was talking about how I really wanted to get into it because I really admired the style. lol, turns out he actually took lessons quite awhile ago and had 2 really nice classical guitars, one of which he let me borrow(I'm having a blast, I'll have to take pictures of it and post them up here, it's a freaking gorgeous guitar).
Anyways, upon arriving home he calls me and says that when I left he found an old classical guitar, kinda beat up and run down but it sounds good, and would be good for me to start out on and he said I could have it. Holy crap. I was sincerely touched by that, it means so much to me. :D

I am really appreciative of all the luxuries I have in my life. I can't stress that enough...

Classical guitar is proving fun thus far. I say this now, now that I haven't had a lesson and I'm fumbling blindly through Beethoven's 5th Symphony only from what I've read...hahaha. but really though, I'm excited to start playing it...I bet it'll enhance all my other writing and stuff.. I was writing some on the acoustic last night and came up with these cool diminished sounding arpeggios, fingerpicked. Sounds even better on a classical guitar. maybe I can learn to write some bass-y stuff for it, that'd sound great for an intro, outro or pre-solo.

anyways. off to do stuff. books to read, movies to watch, music to write, more productive stuff to do. :)

I'll be back with Silverstein lyrics, I bet.

welcome to the planet. welcome to existence. everyone's here, everyone's here. everybody's watching you, now. everybody waits for you, now...what happens next, what happens next...? I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO LIFT YOURSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE LIKE TODAY NEVER HAPPENED, TODAY NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE...welcome to the fallout. welcome to resistance...the tension is here, the tension is here. between where you are and where you could be, between how it is and how it should be... I DARE YOU TO MOVE. I DARE YOU TO MOVE. I DARE YOU TO LIFT YOURSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE LIKE TODAY NEVER HAPPENED, TODAY NEVER HAPPENED...maybe redemption has stories to tell, maybe forgiveness is right where you fell. where can you run to escape from yourself? where you gonna go? where you gonna go...? salvation is here! I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO LIFT YOURSELF, TO LIFT YOURSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I DARE YOU TO MOVE, I DARE YOU TO MOVE LIKE TODAY NEVER HAPPENED, TODAY NEVER HAPPENED...TODAY NEVER HAPPENED, TODAY NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

My computer is unbroken now ...& Silverstein :D

I have a new computer, which is excellent, but I gotta say I kind of liked the break.

I'm not coming home tonight! I'd rather sleep on the street!
I'm not coming home to you! I won't sleep with the devil!
ON THIS CITY STREET I'LL REST MY HEAD TONIGHT.

Iris

and i'd give up forever to touch you,
because i know that you'd feel me somehow.
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be,
and i don't wanna go home right now...
and all i can taste is this moment,
and all i can breathe is your life.
and sooner or later it's over
i just don't wanna miss you tonight...

and i don't want the world to see me,
because i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am.

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you'll bleed just to know you're alive

and i don't want the world to see me,
because i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am...


That song, for the first time since it came out...actually makes total sense to me. 100%. wow.
computer is broken, i'm on my brother's laptop. I'll be back soon :)