A funny story & other coolness

I just had to blog about this while I was thinking about it. I've had an semi-eventful day.

I had a guitar lesson which wasn't that eventful, it was good, just normal, but I wanted to get out and do some stuff. So I called my best friend so we could just go places. We went to the library cuz I have never read Perks of Being a Wallflower and was interested in some really easy reading. Anyways, she's searching on the computer for the author of the book, and it's one of those computers that is on a raised table so you have to stand up to use it. On the wall it's against, there are all of these papers taped to the wall that people have filled out about South Carolina. It says, Great person in SC:, Great places to go in SC:, Great places to eat in SC:, Bad things about SC:.

I was just kinda skimming over them when, being the grammar nazi I am, notice this.

"Great people in SC:
(insert ungodly long list here- it says PERSON. not PEOPLE, I might point out...)
Great places to go in SC:
The beach!!!!!!
Great places to eat in SC:
Pizza Hut (oh wow, I'm sure NO PLACE else has that...come on now)
(but this takes the cake...)
Bad things about SC:
PEOPLE IS BAD."

I read that and I was like WTF?!!!! If I had a pen with me, I would have scratched out "people" and put "GRAMMAR"
really? It made me laugh though.

Then, we went to Wal-Mart because I wanted to get some construction paper for a creative project for my room that I'm doing(I'll put up pics soon), and the sky was lookin' pretty nasty. We were just gonna go back to my house after that, I didn't realize how fast the storm was approaching. Yeah. Well. It approached pretty fast. When we were checking out, I looked out the doors, and it's about I guess 5:30 at this point, but I look outside and it is TOTALLY dark. It looks like it's 10pm. We go around the way we came in because we could hear the rain at this point. It is POURING.
We take off our flip flops and RUN as fast as we can across the parking lot to her car, which isn't really that far, but by the time we get into the car we are literally SOAKED. I have long, thick hair and it was pulled back and it was literally dripping wet. I wasn't even out there for a minute. So we just sat in the car until the storm passed, listening to the radio.
So that was kind of a different adventure. I felt the need to blog about it :D

I read The Burn Journals, btw. It was interesting, really captured the mindframe of Brent Runyon at the time. I didn't like the ending though. It seemed lazy...Seems there should have been a prologue or something...well, maybe the author IS the prologue...still.

Fake it til ya make it

I found out something about me tonight- not exactly discovered something, more like made a coherent, sensible statement out of the knowledge that was never really worked out or verbalized.

I HATE, HATE, HATE feeling like I'm not good enough-
like I'm not important enough.

I know, I know- everybody hates that...another thing I hate hate hate:
when people say EVERYBODY feels a certain way.

If I'm spilling my guts about my feelings, don't tell me everyone feels that way. I want to be UNIQUE, important, distinctive in your mind. If you tell me or imply that I'm not important to you, or good enough, or smart enough, or my feelings and thoughts are unoriginal, not only does that seriously hurt me but that pisses me off so bad.
I like to be important to people, because other people are important to me. As a matter of fact, there is someone in my life that I'm just so used to talking to everyday that I actually start getting anxious if I don't talk to them. I'm so paranoid about the relationship falling apart I don't even give it a day unless they don't wanna talk. I value people, friends, relationships so highly and I want to be regarded with the same respect.

This is the truth, I am not replaceable.
Though I am an awful, horrible, hypocritical little lying piece of crap, I am a brilliant, beautiful, intelligent artist who has an outlook so unique...if you just take the time to get to know me, you'll never forget me. And you can't just pick a random female guitarist off the street and she's gonna be like me, oh no freaking way. You can't just take a random musician. There will be similarities, I'm sure...
but my passion for music, passion for beauty, the written word, the spoken word...my movie taste, my music taste, the way I see things and deliver them...the way I'm so full of passionate feelings but can rarely articulate them, until I get moments of breathtaking depth and clarity...the way I never need advice, I just like to talk about my problems occasionally so I can figure it myself...and I always do...
that's just me.
and that's not replaceable,
and circumstances, where I live, what I'm doing, this will change as I age. My circumstances will, but I will still be me. My taste my change to an extent, my abilities will no doubt grow, and I'll add new things to my repertoire...but I will always be me. and I am NOT replaceable.

Anyone who thinks they can successfully replace me underestimates me.
Anyone who thinks they have replaced me never knew me at all...
and anyone who will try to will deeply regret it.

I don't mean to sound like an arrogant person here, I said earlier I am an awful horrible hypocritical lying POS but...I'm pretty freaking awesome too.
and I am good enough,
and I am not replaceable.

Irreplaceable, I can believe.
Good enough? I keep saying it hopes I'll believe it one day. Fake it til ya make it, baby...

Becoming Closer To Closure - Of Machines

Drawn to lines which fill the emptiness
Searching for a place to heal the wounds...
(The conversations...well...they start to turn)

Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep,
we can't afford you to be alone!
Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep...

These dreams and the reality
Never seemed so defined.
Until I awoke to find...
that this house is not a home,
but something I cannot define.

Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep
We can't afford you to be alone!
Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep...

How long will it be
Until I turn this key
and just walk away,
just walk away...
(and I find this so unlike me)
Seeking the parts that are lost,
Never have I felt so deceived...

Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep,
We can't afford you to be alone!
Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep.

Game playing

Is it strange that I get a strange kick out of seeing who, out of my friends, are the most perceptive? The quickest, the most intelligent? The ones who know me best? Planting little insignificant, strange, almost unnoticeable words into my sentences...seeing if they catch what I mean.
Of course, I'd never do that with something serious. That kind of game playing pisses me off...but it's interesting...

I would like to be the kind of friend that I wish my friends were to me. I want to be everybody's best friend. I want to be the person who would bend over backwards for a person, undoubtedly. I want to be someone that's honest, trusted.
I think I am better to everyone else than I am to myself.
I have been doing exceptionally well in my life lately and I am still beating myself up over it. I even realize what I'm doing, and I realize it's absurd! and yet I can't deny that little voice in my head that says "Not good enough, work harder!"....
maybe I'm scared of satisfaction? What are the consequences of satisfaction...?
There must be some...

and I'm drawing closer to God, undoubtedly, because I am so alone, especially at night. I mean I call a close friend every night but...it's missing something. I think I am just terrified of being alone with myself. I feel horrible about myself right now...None of that physical image BS most teenage girls whine about, but inside...I know I have my good qualities, yeah. but I can't help but just be so pissed off with myself. I do try to be a good person but I just...
People forgive me when I do them wrong, most importantly God forgives me, but I am having a really, really hard time forgiving myself for all the crap I've done.

How do I even go about doing that?!

Too much right now...I'm having trouble breathing again, screw my anxiety...I'll be fine, I feel better now that that's off my chest.

A MAC look!

(All MAC products unless otherwise noted)

Eyes
"Rubenesque" paint pot
Mineralize trio in "inter-view"
Urban Decay 24/7 eyeliner in "Zero"
Generic black liquid liner
Coastal Scents 88 Palette, a light tan for a highlight
Plushlash in Plush Black

Lips
Lipstick in "Myth"(my new obsession)
A dab of Urban Decay XXX shine gloss in "Carney"

MichellePhan inspired leopard print look.

(I look like such a doof in that picture hahaha)
I saw this MichellePhan video yesterday and I just kept thinking about it...it was this really unique, pretty subtle leopard print look. Soooo...I did it, with my own additions to make it more of my own :)

Eyes
Urban Decay Primer Potion
Urban Decay eyeshadow in "Sin"
Urban Decay 24/7 eyeliner in "Yeyo" and "Stash"(a later addition)
Black liquid liner(I can't remember the brand)
MAC paint pot in "Rubenesque"
The gold color from MAC's mineralize trio in "Inter-view"(discontinued)

Lips
Urban Decay XXX Shine gloss in "Carney"

then my normal face products.
hoorah.

lol...

So that FOTD thing isn't really gonna work out, I don't think. I don't blog consistently enough...